+ With Eyes Wide Shut +
- bless the fall - [ dedicated to u ]

its those moments ..
that takes so long to pass by.
i kept thinking about u..
u never did once leave my mind :(

i finally run out of things to say , and frankly , this is pretty dissapointing .

i miss you only a lotxx
more than anything in the world..
gah.. i'll give anything to see u again .
i'll give everything to see u smile .
But u still don get hw much u mean to me, do u?

I still see u in my mirror .. its the only thing that keeps me going this days//
i dunno hw i could be so crazy over u..
yeahh. im weird i noe.
maybe weird in a gd way ? gahh i dunno
but i cnt help but worry :(
it doesnt help that every single thing in my life reminds me of u ,
but u do come in handy :) ur my lucky charm
+ Ace Aleaf + written (written , nt carved. lol ) on my wrist almost every morning ..
it helps me get through the day ..

1st thing i cnt forget : ur smile ..
u don smile as much .. but when u do, it could light up my life :)
2nd: ur hair ..
stop scolding me for saying that.. lol
3rd : ur voice..
4th: ur humour, u might be lame at times, but u never fail to make me smile.

N i truly miss u ,
with all my heart .

u once said : theres many guys out there..
i noe that . but ur the only guy i ever felt like this before..
i could never look at other guys the same..
never..
in fact, i crave for another minute i could spent with u.
then u said, my purpose in life isnt waiting for u ,
but im already am..
and i cnt imagine myself doin anything else ..

i dunno if i was imagining things ,
friends said i was obsessed with the thought of u a little too much ,
but i thought u said those three words ,
once awhile ,
i dunno if u mean it,
or if it was just a figment of my imagination ..
i want to mean something to u , i wanted u to just remember me ,
but i noe i dont .
but i still want to be close to u.
atleast as a friend .
coz i feel like i meant to u , nothing more
than just a friend..
i noe i wanted more.. but i was just being selfish..
im human so u cnt blame me.
excuses .

please contact me soon .
i need to noe if ur alrite..
coz i care :(
n i worry a lot, u noe me :(
pleasee , :(

its those moments .
where suddenly ur being brought back to the past.
or just remember someone u dearly miss.
yeah. i miss ace.
i was writing some lyrics then just was swept away when all the flashbacks came back to me.
atleast im not as pathetic as i used to be.
when this happens , usually i'll find someone's shoulder n cry .
now i cry alone. lol.
Hafiz slapped me , twice today.. for fun.. -.- so hard i almost dislocated my jaw.
im used to this abuse, but i still hurts.. lol ..
i have the video, btw, the first time he slapped me,
the so called "break-up" scene..
even though i get beaten up here and there ,..
Hafiz could slap really hard.. really really painful ..
so... tian ning's gonna slap him back.. yay. lol
My hp died.. weee... but im still using it.
someone please call me, contact me, now or then ,
i tend to get real lonely.. lol.
sorry for nt updating for so long..
till time gives me another chance..

i feel super weird..
i bathe myself in my blood a few days ago..
was on strong drugs .
don scold me. lol
was sick...
zauwin is gonna kil me..
what do i care.. lol

i wrote some poems on insanity..
yeah.. i suck. lol
somewhere somehw i just feel sick..
nw jx being super random .
awesomeness...

I LOVE BILL KAULITZ!!
theres no real love in you, why do i keep loving u??
automatic ...
when i lose myself i think of u...
lol.. wth ..
i love my edward cullen more...
sorry bill .
u still super hot ,
and preeeeetty ....

shit .
i hate this feeling..
weeee...

- Insanity-
i drowned my soul in self pity
as i lose myself to insanity
the whispers fall on deaf ears
with all my might, fighting my fears

spiders and cats driving cars
bears were there burning stars
beneath these lies im going blind
help me before i lose my mind

im just freaking confused.
as nightmares pleases me.
and flashbacks haunting me.
i just dunno what to do.

i heard his voice.
his so dreamy voice.
lol.
still couldnt believe its him.
the moment i heard his voice, the moment he replied,
i swear.
my pain, heartaches, worries,
all faded away.. all melted away .
i would kill for another moment like this.
ace , ace ..
he doesnt noe hw much happiness he brought for me.
as i said,
hes everything to me,
though i mean nothing, NOTHING to him.
sometimes i wish that i would make a big impact for him,
as he did for me,
just wanna see him happy.
as always, its the only thing i would ask for.
i would sacrifise my happiness for him .
dammit. i would sacrifise my life.
the flashbacks haunts me once more.

its seem so long since he replied.
come on girl, try to understand.
and give him some space.
he has already given me relief.
yet i dont want to lose him
i never want to lose him
those months when he tried, to let me go,
trust me,
the worst times i have ever had in my life.
i never want to go through that again.
but if he were to do that again,
i guess i promise,
to deal with the pain.

The perfect guy found his perfect girl...
And they live happily ever after..
im happy for u.
i always wish for u to be happy.
guessed i got what i wished for.
jealous? why should i be?
he fucking deserves someone better than me..
way better..
just find it so hard to let go.
but im sure he has no problem in doing that.
im trying to dissapear .
just for his sake.
i wished u all the best..
may u 2 last long...

living another day of my miserable life.
when will it ever end?
the heartaches, the pain , the tears,
i cry every fucking night,
sometimes without even a fucking reason.
wats with that?
yeahh. still hurt myself.
its my choice.
noone should interfere.
i don want anyone else to get hurt.

Another day goes by, i don't understand or know the reasons why,
Another day goes by.

i tried to making a difference but nothing helps.
still completely alone.
alone.
still have no shoulder to cry on ,
noone to relate to,
what the fuck should i do?
should i just shut this life and make everybody's life easier?

yeah. something weird happen today.
while everyone is celebrating the end of DNT lesson ,
hafiz was having fun doing somethin.
yeahh.. drilling holes in his nails.
i gotta admit, find it fascinating.
who else would do any crazy stuff in sch?
other than that somebody kissing hafiz on the cheek.
in front of ,, someone. damn.
great timing.
piss that asshole off.
everybody would want that.

and now.
still crying my eyes out.
my tears never run out.
maybe i would bleed tears.
or something like that.
i need of someone or something ,
to understand me.
seems that someone don't exist.

lilah , give up.

theres nothing more i can say.
i think he blocked my from his life.
that sucks.

yeahhh.
i went through hell on thursday,
i noe , i noe .
shit happens every un-expecting moment.
please ,
stop asking me what i was doing sitting on the 13th floor.
i noe i was crying.
i was just a place for me to think .
i wasnt abt to kill myself.
not yet anyway.

updating my story blog.
http://illusionary-life.blogspot.com/
theres a chatbox , u guys can comment and stuff.
yeah , i noe i suck at writing ,
but it turn into a hobby .

I didnt need to cut myself ,
coz the fence did.
haha .
was i dat stupid to climb over the huge fence?
yeah i was. lol .


nah . nothing much today .
some tears i shed,
same oh same oh

shoot me .
its really painful this time .
theres only more hurt .
no more happiness in my life .
only tears ,
so far no blood yet .
its fasting month , im trying my hardest not to cut myself .
but it seems sooooo hard .
i guess ace noes why ,
why im crying my eyes out .
god , pls , i really need help this time .

i dn think i care if u take my life .

currently , i think im the mouse to ace , little cat chase .
since, ace is the cat ,
he could either kill me and eat me ,
play with me then kill me ,
or just let me go ,
or be in my life .
its really ur choice.
only , im suffering .
waiting for the answer . haiz.